An open letter from an addict to those who love him

Hi.  First of all, please understand that I’m still here.  I know you’re worried and I know you think I’m heading down a bad road.  But I’m still here and I really need you to love me anyway.  It’s hard for you to understand what I’m going through; it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.  It’s like I’m two people: the one you love and this other person who lies and cheats and steal to get my drug.  I hate the person who hurts you, but he’s a part of me now and most of the time, the one who’s in control.  I’ve heard it all: I know that eventually I’m going to die because of this damn addiction I carry.  But I still can’t stop.  I will do whatever I need to do to get my fix and if it means hurting anybody, I’ll do it.

I wish I could close my eyes and wake up back in time to when I didn’t use.  I wish I could get up every day without having to hustle to get my fix.  No matter how much I wish it away, though, I’m addicted and most of the time, I want to stay addicted.  My drug is my best friend. It’s my hope and it’s my main focus in this life.  If I lost it, I would be lost.  Try to understand: Nothing else really matters to me.  I love you, but I need and want my drug more.  What’s worse is that knowing all of this, I still need you to love me anyway.

Maybe someday I’ll get to a point where I don’t want the bullshit that comes with my drug.  Maybe someday I’ll want a normal life and I won’t want my drug anymore. If and when I do want to stop, I’ll need help to kick..  It’s not like I can just stop.  If I do, I’ll get really, really sick and I don’t want to go through that.  I’ll need you to love me and I’ll need you to be supportive.  I can’t even say I’ll always be honest: I’ve been lying to people for so long that I don’t even know if I can tell the truth, anymore.  I’ll need your patience and I’ll need your acceptance.

I know your fear for my life makes you angry that I won’t stop using.  But regardless of how loud you yell or whatever threats you make, I’ll still use.  I don’t understand it all that much myself.  I do know, though, that in spite of all I’ve done and failed to do, I’m still here and I really need you to love me, anyway.  If there’s to be any hope, it can’t come out of your fear.  I don’t know if it’ll work, but I need you to love me, anyway.  Please consider it.

Love,

Your addicted loved one.

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3 comments

    1. To me, “addict” is a self-defeating word. All of us, myself included, have our struggles in this world and we all can use a hand from time to time. Those who struggle with an addiction are just as worthy of love as everybody else, regardless of how much they can piss us off at times!

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