Look, I know you feel caught between what you want to do and what others want you to do. Maybe someone who loves you (I also know you aren’t capable of love, at least while you’re stuck in your addiction) is frustrated as hell with you because you really are headed down a really unhealthy path. Maybe people in your world are coming down on you and want you to stop using whatever opiate it is you’re using. I’m sure it sucks for you because I have no doubt that the last thing you want to do is to stop using your opiate. I’m also pretty certain you love the hustle of it all; you love hearing from your connect; you love the shadiness of sneaking off to use. You love the whole culture associated with your opiate as much as you love your opiate.
Here’s the thing though: If you would just admit that you LOVE using your opiate and that you have NO INTENTION of giving it up any time soon, people probably would leave you alone. I mean, sure, you won’t be able to manipulate them anymore, but at least you’ll get to do what you love to do in an honest way. The concept of honesty is probably as foreign to you as an Aramaic text, but I do think you should own your B.S. so that people can stop putting their unfair expectations upon you.
See, there are people in your life that want you to be a functional member of this world. Even if they aren’t all that functional, they do want you to be the person they can count on. Once you admit that you love your opiate (and the lifestyle that accompanies it), they will realize that you won’t ever be what they want/need you to be. Now, those who really love you don’t care all that much that you’re addicted; what they care about is that you don’t end up stiff and blue from an overdose. They just don’t want to lose you to a drug that really does open up the gates of Hell. But, since you’re ok with Hell, you ought to just let them know what your obituary should read. That way, when someone does find you stiff and blue, at least he or she will know what to write about you in the paper.
So, please stop all this struggle and manipulations. Your life can be so much easier if you would just tell people that you don’t want to stop using. While I get that you will end up dead or in prison (or in prison first and then dead, but I digress…), you will get to do so alone (or at least with people who you truly love, like your connect or your dealer). As you watch yourself grow skinny and sickly from your real love, you’ll find comfort in the knowledge that no one is going to bug you at all. Now, I do understand that you tell people that you want to quit so that they’ll continue to believe you and provide you with money or sex or a roof over your head (or maybe all three), but at some point, they will tell you to go to rehab, which is the last thing on your mind.
Please, think about what you’ve read here: Own the fact that you love your opiate more than you love anything or anyone else on this planet. At least then you’ll be able to turn stiff and blue without the hassle of people bothering you.
P.S: Also, please make it clear to people that you’d prefer them NOT to cry at your funeral as you ended up as you wanted to…