One morning, I was eating with a colleague who was trying to encourage me to take on a certain project. I was hesitant; his pitch seemed a bit off to me. There was something missing and I wasn’t exactly trusting his idea because our current efforts were flailing. “Look,” he said with a seriousness that was perhaps a bit much for the circumstances. “You might know a thing about how things are going, but you have no idea how the story ends, yet.”
His words struck me, but not because of our work, but because in terms of my own life, I’ve been kinda wondering what the next stage looks like. These days, I’m wondering whether I should renew my licenses; I just don’t know how much more I have to give. The reality is that I’ve been in the substance abuse field for a quite a while and I’ve seen more than my fair share of suffering. There’s a really good chance that I’ve seen MORE suffering than I can take….
But I still want to write and still believe that I have something to say; albeit with more doubt than I’ve ever had. What’s strange to me is that now that one of my books has won an award, I wonder more than ever if there’s any impact from what I write. I know I’m not supposed to be attached to outcome and that I should “fight the good fight” without an attachment to “winning or losing.” The fight itself is supposed to the point, but I want to win.
Maybe that’s the problem: I want to win an unwinnable fight. Maybe I simply don’t have what it takes to face my fight. Perhaps I’m simply too old and tired to fight anymore. I really don’t know. What I do know is that my story hasn’t ended…..