Although there are a couple of well known roles in recovery, namely, the addict and the enabler, there is one that I don’t think I’ve considered. I call this role, the power-getter.
I think the reason why this role previously escaped me is because the person filling this role seems to be worthy of sympathy. Dealing with an addict isn’t easy. There’s always the hope and prayer that the addict will find a way to sobriety. Also, there’s so much fear involved with addiction that it makes sense that the addict can become someone’s focal point.
However, I’ve started noticing that when someone defines his or her life through the lens of the addict, even though they themselves don’t use, there is an opportunity to gain power. Maybe it sounds crazy, but think it through: If my daughter were addicted to heroin, I would be scared. But, under certain circumstances, I could use my fear to gain sympathy from others.
This sympathy provides the power-getter a great deal of power.
Over the years, I have learned that recovery from an addiction takes daily work and commitment, just like anything else. But what will never work is someone prodding and begging an addict to get clean. I’ve told dozens of people who fill enabler roles that they themselves should seek help. Al-anon, for example, is a great place for people who need to heal from dealing with someone else’s addiction.
The thing I’ve realized, though, is that not everyone is an enabler. Some wouldn’t know what to do with their life if the addict found sobriety. They would no longer have the source of their power to derive sympathy from others. They usually have no strength of their own from which to draw and having an addict in their life provides a wealth of material to gain pity.
At this point, I don’t think the power-getter wants to get help. Nor do I believe the power-getter really wants the addict to get clean because if the addict gets clean, the what will the power-getter do to gain emotional energy from others?
I want everyone to find light and to escape the darkness that addiction brings. But in order to find that light, people must first be willing to take responsibility for their own role within darkness. Those who derive power from others’ suffering are a worse case than those who struggle. I hope the power-getter finds a way to light.
