My father recently passed away and while I do feel loss, my faith is providing me with a real sense of peace. My dad struggled with a form of bone marrow cancer called myelodysplastic syndrome(MDS) and over the last three (3) years, he degraded and suffered, slowly and painfully. The last three (3) weeks of his life were difficult for him; nobody saw that he was dying. His nurses, doctors, me: None of us thought that he was as sick as he was. But when he left this world, I could actually feel his suffering and pain end. Maybe I should be hurting more than I am, but I simply can’t deny the peace that I feel.
I mean, I miss him: My dad was a presence and couldn’t be ignored. It wasn’t like he was a wallflower. My dad imprinted this world with his antics, both good and bad and people will remember him and probably shake their heads when they do. He and I shared a very human relationship; we had our ups and downs. I don’t anticipate a day in which I won’t remember something he taught me. It will probably take time to stop expecting his calls. But the truth is that our relationship changed as he battled MDS. At some point, I shifted from being his son to being his primary caretaker and the dynamic between us was simply different. So, in a lot of ways, I’ve been grieving the loss of my father for a lot longer than I have in the three (3)weeks since he passed.
That may be part of the reason I feel such peace. I no longer have to care for my dad and watch him suffer on a daily basis. Now, I can remember him healthy and full of life. But most importantly, I know that he’s resting and not fighting cancer anymore. Shoot, he’s probably playing poker with St. Peter right now. This faith I have is real and although I am sad and grieving, I feel a sense of safety and comfort knowing that I now have a powerful angel watching over me.
Maybe it’s a mental trick and maybe there’ll come a day when it hits me that I no longer have a dad on this planet. But I doubt it. I am at peace because my dad is at peace. That’s my faith: When we pass from this world to the next, we enter a light and love that can be shared from the new world to the old. If I didn’t believe this, I don’t I would’ve gotten through life. But I am certain that my dad is fully home and whole and I no longer have to worry about him.
