Really mayonnaise no one likes you

I really do all I can to live and let live. I try not to judge and do all I can to see value in everyone. There is a lot of merit in the “judge not lest ye be judged” way of life. However, I have to be clear: If you like mayonnaise, you’re stupid and there’s really something wrong with you.

The use of mayonnaise makes it almost impossible to eat. The tangy, oily, eggy smell makes it hard to enjoy a meal. Yet, there are people who claim that they like the taste of mayonnaise and they use it as though they get some form of dividend from those wretched companies that make the stuff. The truth is, though, that I don’t think anyone actually likes mayonnaise. I’m certain that the only reason people use it is because they think that I need to lose weight. Really, in using mayonnaise, people are body-shaming me.

Last night, I tried to enjoy some fried chicken. I love fried chicken and I think it couples well with mashed potatoes and gravy and a nice Diet Dr. Pepper. But, while there was chicken, there were no mashed potatoes. Instead, whoever picked up the meal thought it would be a summery idea to get cole slaw. Now, while I don’t have any against cabbage, per se, the mayonnaise in which in bathed made it hard to taste anything but tangy eggy cabbage. I didn’t eat any cole slaw, but the smell permeated every air molecule within a ten mile radius and I couldn’t escape its clutches. Although I was starving, I couldn’t eat. Mayonnaise robbed me of a meal, yet again, and I went to bed hungry. No one should ever have to go to bed hungry. Especially me.

So, while everyone’s in the mood to protest and boycott stuff, I urge everyone to protest and boycott mayonnaise. If you use mayonnaise, please take a hard look at yourself and admit that you don’t actually like it. It’s gross in every way and you really shouldn’t be stupid enough to believe you like it. You don’t. Only together can we stop this oppressive condiment from destroying our appetites. Please help me in this mission to eradicate this disgusting mess of white smelly stuff. Thank you.