Blaming technology really is the best path to absolution. In over twenty-five years of developing and implementing software, you could say I’ve learned a thing or two thousand. Among the most salient of my lessons about which I want to share is: If you ever find yourself in dubious situation, I’m pretty sure you can blame technology. It’s true. Over the years, I’ve seen hundreds of people who can’t seem to find the skills to do their jobs blame technology and become the apple of leadership’s eye. Therefore, in the spirit of sharing knowledge, I want to offer a few tips that I’ve picked up for use in scenarios where blaming tech just may come in handy.
Tip for the philandering husband
If you’re a married drunkard who digs women who aren’t your wife, here’s a neat trick: Next time you’re out doing your thing and you happen upon a mark, uh, rather, a nice woman, go ahead and buy her a drink or ten. Then, when whatever happens with her that prevents you from going home to your wife, remember that your phone is a computer, which its maker will update from time to time. When you finally show up at home and your wife wants to kill you, simply say, “Honey, I was just out with the guys and my phone just got an update, which totally messed up the system’s clock. I had no idea what time it was, nd I am so sorry. Stupid updates!” Chances are, your wife has experienced a wacky update and will relate with your story. Just make sure to clean up any residual lipstick.
Tip for the lead-footed speeder
You may like to speed which is totally cool if a cop doesn’t pull you over (or if you don’t slam into an oncoming tree). But if a cop busts you, remember that your car has a “chip” that generally controls mostly everything your car does. When the judge asks for your side of the story, simply say, “my stupid speedometer has been flaky because I need to upgrade the chip. I’m so scared of what might happen that I haven’t upgraded it yet. I mean, sure, I should get it done because of things like this, but at least the car works, you know? I’ve heard so many stories where the upgrade actually made the ignition fail and I can’t afford to not have my car start.” There’s a high likelihood that the judge has experienced tech failure and having a law degree pretty much places the judge on the “anti-tech” team. The judge will sympathize with you and let you go with a warning.
Tip for the body-abusing teenager
My last piece of advice is for you, the teenage dude who likes to use your computer to look at naked people doing things that you would like to do someday if you weren’t watching them so much on the computer. Now, if your mom catches you, it’ll probably be embarrassing, but don’t stress. Say, “Ma, I have no clue how that got on my computer, I was watching a Planet Earth segment on Youtube when, all of the sudden, this website appeared. I think someone may have hacked our wifi and used it to look at this site. Our router must have cached his traffic and loaded it when I went to the internet. That’s all I can think that happened cuz you know I wouldn’t look at naked people. What are they doing anyway?” Your mom will hear the words, “wifi,” “router,” and “cached” and believe that what you said is possible and tell you to close it down. She might even gasp and say, “those bastards! I’ve heard of people stealing internet like that!” and you’re off the hook.
Conclusion
So, if you’re ever in one of these situations, remember to simply blame tech. As a matter of fact, google “tech terms” and memorize them. That way, if you’re ever in a pickle, you can toss around some tech terms and say they failed you and people will shake their heads and agree with you. Don’t worry if you’re right or wrong, just know that technology scares the average person. Therefore, if you’re ever in doubt, blame technology, and your sins will be forgiven. Blaming tech is the new confession!
