Heaven requires Being Commando Clean. You see, whenever Buddha or Mohamed or Baby Jesus comes to take some of us into heaven, he’ll be looking at our drawers to make sure they’re as white as the day we pulled them off of the shelves. If there’s evidence of non-whiteness, then we are not heading past the entry into heaven. I’m certain that clean undies is THE key element for getting past judgment day. Really, it must be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a person with a dirty backside to get into heaven.
Walking through Wal-Mart convinced me of the heavenly toilet paper criterion. Although, there was all kinds of stuff that could keep folks alive such as food, there was literally NO toilet paper. People are scared. People are stressed. And their focus is on buying every last square of toilet paper. I get it: Listening to the news can be a bit scary and I really don’t want to get sick. But, I wasn’t focused on backside cleanliness – I was mostly focused on how I could keep healthy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like my Cottonelle Ultra Clean Care as much as anybody else. Really without the right toilet paper, my bathroom experience is simply not as enjoyable and I really don’t have that extra fresh feeling all day. It’s just that if we are facing the end times, I didn’t think that my toilet paper would be the one thing upon which I needed to focus. I figured I should pray, meditate, and maybe light a candle.
But I was wrong. Clearly, I should have stocked up on toilet paper rather than spend time on that silly praying stuff. In order to be safe during these scary times, I should have had 2000 rolls of toilet paper. If things get bad, then I’m going to regret facing Baby Jesus’ judgment with a less than sparkling backside. Rather than meditate, I’m going to wait for the toilet paper delivery at Wal-Mart so that I can be ready in the toilet for what may come.
