I’m always teaching that when circumstances and situations challenge us, we have three (3) options and only three (3) options: 1) we can change the circumstances; 2) we can accept the circumstances; or, 3) we have to leave the circumstance. If we search for other options besides these three, we are not only wasting time, but we are probably also wasting emotional energy. In the hours and hours I’ve spent with people lost in substance use disorders, I almost always find the source of their issues within their wasted emotional energy. In recognizing the source of their issues, I’ve learned that acting against the three options is both emotionally harmful and stupid.
Many times, people think that bitching about things is action. But it’s not. Most of the time, bitching about circumstances indicates that the person bitching is almost always playing victim. For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would allow themselves to be someone or something’s victim. However, recently, I’ve heard myself pissing and moaning about my work circumstances and playing into the stupidity of being a victim.
Now, whether or not there was merit to my bitching, that is, even if the circumstances sucked, was I really doing anything through bitching about them? Sure, for one split second, I felt better, but I didn’t change a damn thing. All I was doing was wasting emotion and driving both me and my wife nuts.
Could I change the circumstance?
Then I reminded myself of the three (3) options available to me and I reflected on each.First, I asked myself, Can I change the circumstances? In my mind, I went through various scenarios in which I acted on good faith to change various circumstances: I could talk with the boss, I could write a position paper, or maybe I could even take my issues to the newspaper. While I’m sure some people in power may have listened for a brief second, it occurred to me that I was already discredited and there really wasn’t anyone who would find my issues credible. I may have felt better because I left it all on the proverbial field, but ultimately, nothing would change. People in power like to stay in power and will do so by any means necessary. Therefore, I would never even know any outcome of my attempts, much less realize any changes.
Could I accept the circumstance?
I then wondered if I could accept the circumstances. This was tough because the pros and cons of acceptance were pretty closely matched. Ultimately, though, acceptance meant compromising one of my most deeply held beliefs and there was just no way I could do that. I’ve often said that I’m always willing to negotiate, but I am never willing to compromise my core beliefs. Once I realized that accepting the circumstances meant compromising, I knew I was left with the last option: I had to leave.
And I did. It wasn’t easy. Making life changes these days is scary and maybe ill-advised. But I have to be emotionally healthy such that I can be present with my family and clients. There are a whole bunch of other circumstances in my life that I can neither change nor leave and so I need to reserve my energy for those situations. It comes down to the serenity prayer: I have to change what I can, accept what I can’t, and hope for the wisdom to know the difference. My hope is that everyone understands that there are always only three (3) options for addressing difficult and/or untenable circumstances and constant bitching isn’t one of them.
