I don’t really know why I wrote my first book. If someone had told me that putting words into the universe in book form meant that I would always have to answer for those words, I may have thought twice about writing them. But no one did. I’m actually glad that no one did: being accountable for my writing has taught me to carry myself with as much honor as I can.
In the years after my first book came out and i started teaching writing workshops in jails and prisons, I realized that I could do more with my words. I earned a Master’s degree and then my alcohol and drug counseling license. During my internship, however, I did have second thoughts: being accountable for my books was one thing, but being accountable for what I teach someone who wants to badly change his or her life was a whole other ballgame.
In those days of being newly licensed, I was mostly scared. What if I said the wrong thing or was wrong about an modality that I was employing? What if I accidentally made things worse for my clients? Those questions haunted me and dogged at me and really made me doubt what I was doing. But then I realized that if I taught, wrote and lived through my deepest truth, then I never had to fear or doubt anything, because I could be certain in what I said and did. What is my deepest truth? That we all have the good, strong, and beautiful inside of us and it’s my responsibility to live through that truth. Even if someone perceives me to be his or her enemy, I vowed to see the good and not the bad and just attempting to recognize that good means that I could easily answer for what I say and do.
I’m not always successful. For example, I’ve had to face mothers whose sons or daughters died as a result of their drug use. Although I did all I could, their addiction overwhelmed them and my best efforts. I’ve had to say, “I’m sorry that I failed your hope” so many times that I’ve lost count. But i do all I can to fulfill the hope people place in me and I have vowed on all that I find sacred to write, teach and live from that perspective.
Yes, it’s hard and I catch myself losing strength at times. But then I remind myself that I chose the accountable path and it has rewarded me far more than it has cost me. Really, being accountable ain’t all that bad….
