Anger is clay…

I’ve clawed and fought; swung and missed.  I wanted peace but destroyed it when I could.  I raged for freedom but my rage was heavier steel than any prison bars.  I wanted and raged, but I never really asked myself what peace and freedom looked like for me.

I didn’t know during those years of acquiring anger and hate that what I wanted and hoped for and prayed for was to live each day the way my grandma’s jardin smelled in the early morning.  I wanted to live every day in that feeling.  Really, I wanted my life to be that smell and feeling:  new and clean, holding the same potential as the black, nourishing soil.

Instead, I thought I could gain credentials and skills and find money and power and then I’d gain more money and power until I could simply buy or force that smell into my life.

But, in those days of meds and therapy, I wanted nothing more than to be a blue bird that I used to watch sing outside my window.  He sang and flew and was free.  The aimless drive in me had to die.

I know now that death is nothing more than dark earth waiting to begin again.

And anger is clay.

It was a good lesson to learn.  My life and my career have always been a balancing act between seemingly disparate realities in that I am a poet and author; as well as, a software developer.  Language has always been my tool, my pain, and my weapon.

My life has been a battle between languages and cultures; between technology and art.  Through this battle, I have become an educated man; I hold a Bachelor of Arts in Humanities and a Master of Arts in Education (at-risk youth).  I have become a published author.  And I have become a management professional in a highly technical, seemingly non-human world. Through it all, though, I had to win the battle that gave birth to the thing inside of me that sometimes rushes to the front of my consciousness and drives words to the page in a dizzying fashion. In more ways than I can count, the thing inside of me is the energy I use to accrue credentials and my writing and performing life.

There’s a lot to be angry about in this confused and blunted world.  But I don’t and won’t run from my anger; it is my clay from which I form ideas and hopeful objects through which everyone can see that life is a matter of choosing to use energy, even if its dark, to create the life we want.    Anger is my clay.

  1. Anger is definitely normal for us to feel, but I guess it becomes bad when we lose control of it. Uncontrolled anger really makes us focus on our self and narrow our view of the world when it comes to finding solutions to problems very much…

      1. I believe that anyone can channel their anger properly, but stuff like that isn’t something learned alone and instantly. Let’s do our best and have fun in helping others be calmer, then! 🙂