When a theme or specific issue emerges again and again in sessions with clients, I tend to look it at it as something that I need to study, understand, and possibly, share. One such theme has reared its head lately and I’ve given it a lot of thought. The reality is that among the biggest interference to a successful treatment program are the well-intentioned loved ones who, though meaning well, hurt a treatment program. For example, one of the more common things that loved ones do is ask the addict in their lives, “Have you been using?” Basically, I’ve come to see this question as having a two-pronged negative impact: 1) The addict is immediately placed in a defensive position and, if she has used, may be compelled to lie; and, 2) The addict then becomes defined by her substance use.
Asking what seems to be an innocent question places the addict in a defensive position. The person asking almost appears to be in a position of power; that is, the person asking appears to be saying that he or she is better than the addict because he or she doesn’t use. This unbalanced position places the addict in a situation where she might lash out or lie. Even if the addict hasn’t used, the inferred judgement may cause undue anger.
If someone is in early recovery and really wants to change her relationship with a substance, I’m certain there are many other things that she had to work on besides the substance. As a treatment provider, I’m telling her to make a list of life goals and then work on meeting those goals. I don’t talk much about the substance; health requires improvement on many fronts, especially after a period of addicted substance use. However, her loved ones are primarily focused on the substance use, which is a direct contradiction of the program she and I have put together. Substance focus is a key part of an addiction; by asking if an addict has used is basically reinforcing the obsessive-compulsive nature of Addiction.
Therefore, if someone you know is in early recovery, try asking him or her about how he or she is doing. Ask about his or her interests; ask about his or her health. But don’t interfere with a treatment program by unintentionally feeding negative energy and/or returning the focus to a substance. Either way, by asking about the substance use, you’re adding something that doesn’t do anything good.
